The Gaslighting

Attempting to be believed in my claim that the unwanted attention couldn't possibly be coming from so-called gay people, I also told my neighbors about the explicit couples outside my window. Perhaps that was why the gaslighting began?

What happened next was that the special treatment resumed. This time, the intention seemed to be to convince me that the villagers' behavior had never been caused by any rumors. Again, as soon as people caught sight of me, they would look flirtatiously, sway their hips, or fix their hair. Gradually, however, new behaviors were introduced while the flirtatious ones were phased out. Some weeks, every single person would cough as soon as they saw me. Other weeks, everyone I met on the street said the same thing. Still other weeks, they would touch their hair or stare intently. This went on for twelve years.

During the first few years, I was too ill to go anywhere. When I eventually became well enough to travel to nearby towns for shopping or hospital visits, I discovered that the treatment followed me wherever I went. In fact, it even intensified when I left the village.

But not even that could convince me that there had never been any rumors about me. I just supposed the villagers saw their chance to prove to me, once and for all, that nothing had ever happened and that I had been imagining it all along. Not for a moment did it strike me that it could actually be true. Not for a moment did it occur to me that I might actually be the one who was insane. I simply assumed that since I didn't leave the village very often, the villagers found it just as entertaining every time to gather acquaintances in town to perform the usual theater for me.

Another way to convince me seemed to be informing everyone I knew about the gaslighting and making them cooperate. Even my old friends, who shared my values and should have understood that any justification for the gaslighting was a lie, turned out to have been drawn into it. The fact that they, too, chose to join the majority was a heavy blow. But not even that could make me doubt my senses. Instead, I assumed my old friends were simply too weak to withstand the pressure of what seemed to be the entire world.

​The most painful thing was that once initiated, no one, my friends included, could act naturally around me. However, refusing to realize that their own actions could be causing pain, they couldn't understand how terrible this unnatural behavior was. When I tried to bring up the subject they just seemed to think I was overreacting and that I should just stop dwelling on it. They said people would get tired of it if I stopped rewarding them all the time. At the same time, they themselves acted stiff and forced, showing no natural connection. Being around people, whether old friends or new, ultimately became more painful than being alone.

My mom was the only one who wasn't involved in the gaslighting. Instead, she became a victim of it too, which made her suffer.